In this mobile age, we ignore face-to-face conversations with our loved ones. We sit on the sofas staring at phone screens while our faces get illuminated by its bright screen. But, in this race for being present online every time, we miss the satisfaction of face-to-face conversation with our loved ones. Crucial conversations are left out, and feelings remain unshared. As a result, we feel disconnected and separated from them, which remains true with our partners. Sometimes communication gaps increase to such an extent that it ends with heartbreak. Therefore, it is essential to communicate with your partner sharing your feelings and daily experiences to remain bound by love and feel connected.
WHY SHOULD YOU INCREASE COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARTNER?
Simply life is too long to spend alone. So, open up to your partner. Don’t remain in your cocoon. The process of sharing might seem hard in the beginning. But once you start sharing your problems, experiences, challenges, feelings, and even the things you enjoy. You will start realizing its beauty. You will feel light.
It doesn’t matter if your partner does not know how to handle the situation you are facing. But sharing it with them will help you to solve the problem faster as you feel supported. And even if you fail, you would know that you have your partner’s back. Hence, it is never too late to start sharing, no matter how much has passed. Your partner will always appreciate your initiative and will help you in your journey till the end. As we know, “Two is better than one,” it’s time to stop dealing and struggling with things alone. Let your partner peek into your heart and let them share the stress.
WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION
Sometimes you might not know how to have a friendly conversation with your partner, so here are ways you can follow to improve your communication:
Now you must have understood how to improve your communication with your partner. Follow the above steps and see the magic.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER IF YOU’RE HAVING COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS LATELY
To improve your communication with your partner, you must know how they feel. But as the conversation is a two-way thing, you must also communicate your ideas with your partner. Here are few questions that you can use to resolve the communication gap in your relationship.
Asking these questions from your partner will make your communication better. One thing that you must remember is to monitor your speaking style. They must not feel that you are forcing it on them.
Some barriers prevent your communication with your partner, and you must break them before they break your relationship. Some of these barriers are:
So remember all these barriers and work towards removing them from your relationship. A barrier-free environment is crucial for effective communication.
BE POSITIVE AND SUPPORTIVE
Sometimes communication with your partner becomes less because they fear how you will react. Therefore, they try to hide things from you, and this decreases the communication with your partner. Support your partner in every up and down in their life; try to give them helpful advice. Keep reminding them that they can share anything with you. This way, you will create an environment that is supportive and positive.
If you are always unsupportive about your partner’s decisions, this will become a barrier. Your partner will think twice before sharing anything because they will think that you will reject their decision. Be positive, and give your suggestion but don’t force them to go the way you want them to go.
I hope you now understand how to improve your communication with your partner and why it is essential. So try to implement these with your partner. It might be challenging initially, but soon you will realize that your partner will also start sharing their feelings. This will make your relationship the strongest it has ever been.
If you are looking for a coach or counselor to help you within your marriage, schedule a call with me here.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
(Trigger warning: mention of sexual violence; mental trauma; physical and emotional abuse)
We’ve all heard the age-old saying that human beings are social animals. We are inherently wired to find connections with people and have interpersonal relationships. We create and nurture bonds with different types of people in every segment of our lives: from our childhood when our parents were the beginning and the end of our imagination; to making best friends as adolescents; adulthood lets us welcome spouses and diversifies our circle when work buddies, neighbors, pen pals, etc. are brought into the mix. While the face of the relationship may be different, the underlying principle remains the same: a healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and respect for one another. When this fundamental aspect of any relationship is challenged, the imbalance is highly likely to transform into what we call an ‘abusive relationship’.
WHAT IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
A relationship that witnesses any form of maltreatment or disrespectful and intense obsessive behavior by one person that leads to the physical, mental, emotional, financial or sexual degradation of another is what is called an abusive and unhealthy relationship. The common misconception among people is that such abuse is solely physical.
Physical harm is but just one form of it, and like it’s mentioned, there are many different yet overlapping ones too. While this blog aims to highlight how one can identify abuse in a relationship, it is important for us to understand how this menace manifests itself in the society, so that we know how to recognize and report it.
May this blog act as a handbook of questions that one may answer to identify relationship abuse in any form that it presents itself in. We also aim to highlight a few steps they can take to come out of it and report it to relevant authorities.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
If your partner in any relationship indulges in the following tactics that are harsh and diminish your self-esteem relentlessly, aim to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies, indicate at controlling your life or threaten you in any way, you may want to evaluate your relationship’s nature:
NOTE: Seeking help and reporting abuses of such kind is extremely important for both an individual and the society at large. An abuser must always suffer the consequences of what they consciously choose to do over a prolonged period of time. While the victims must show courage and need to have the support of the masses in this difficult time, we must always ensure that we have the basic decency to give them the liberty of time and space to proceed in this journey of healing.
WHAT CAN ONE DO?
On that note, here are a few things that you can do if you could relate to the aforementioned points and identify a pattern of abuse in your relationship with someone. This is also beneficial for those who can report abuse on behalf of someone who is unable to on their own:
We must all work collectively to ensure that relationships remain exactly what they’re meant for: a safe and faithful space built on love, trust, and respect. Doing our individual bit in being kind to everyone, ensuring that we don’t let others feel uncomfortable in our presence, and being a positive and joyous part of someone’s life will go a long way in ensuring that society recognizes and changes how abuse in relationships is extremely problematic. By punishing offenders appropriately, and rehabilitating and supporting survivors, we can one day achieve a wholesome environment for each and every individual in this society, irrespective of their class, caste, race, or sexual orientation. Join us making every relationship a #healthyrelationship.
If you or anyone you know are dealing with abuse, please reach out to me or to a domestic abuse line to seek help.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS.
You might think that commitment, love, and honesty are essential elements of a happy married life.
Somehow, it’s right!
But what if you are missing something more essential?
How often do you consider the importance of communication in a marriage? Since two persons are spending most of the time under the same roof, doesn’t imply that they can effectively communicate with each other. To support a happy marriage and build a strong bond with your other half, it is very important that there should be effective communication in your relationship.
A happy married life flourishes with the equal exchange of beliefs, desires, and emotions. Indeed, communication is perhaps the basic foundation of a successful marriage. Most marriages go through unpleasant moments, which can completely change the way of communication, a couple used to have. Many couples make bad habits and devastating patterns when things aren’t working out in a good way.
It’s even worse than it sounds!
So, as a couple, you need to know the importance of communication in your marriage, which will lead you to a better life.
How can somebody know the reality of another person like who they really are? We don’t have the instincts or the capability to read the thoughts of other people. By sharing your personal experiences or ups and downs, you can connect intimately with somebody for sure. The same works well for a happy marriage too. Rather than just having body contact, it’s also essential to have an emotional attachment with your life partner. When you have shared even small events of your life, doesn’t matter what it is (something about your past memories, or wishes like a long drive, paint the walls together, etc.), this openness will unite the couple forever and cause them to feel like a single unit. When you start realizing what is in your life partner’s heart and mind, you can resolve any problem efficiently and quickly.
Communication is a great approach to express your emotions and heart feelings with your partner. It’s not essential to show the affection and love that you feel for your partner in words. But being vocal and expressive is the best possible way of showing your emotions towards your partner, which would prompt a better understanding.
Couples who often communicate, talk about their lives, or speak with one another not only have a great connection, yet, it additionally assists them to have a much stronger bond with one another. At this point, when you understand your partner and the hectic events they might be managing, there would be little chances for misconception or misinterpretation.
There are times when you don’t even want to communicate with each other when you try to give silly excuses and will probably stop the conversation right there. It might work in your support once or twice. However, over some time, you might start to escape any situation by telling lies. When there isn’t anything to hide from your partner, why do you need to make up false stories and ruin your chances of having a happy married life? At first, it might sound right to hide some stuff from your partner, but this behavior only shows that you don’t respect your partner and relationship. You owe it to your partners to let them know what is happening in your life, and try to handle the situations together and move forward.
How about we look at this topic from a different angle. What are the consequences of not communicating with your partner? When your partner doesn’t share any stuff with you, that means he/she isn’t willing to share his/her life too. Keep things secret or personal, avoid any argument or misunderstanding, want to be separated instead of spending quality time together, all these aspects can play a huge role in your separation or breaking your bond. It might not be the situation of every couple, yet sometimes, not being emotionally attached to your partner might give you thoughts of finding this connection in someone else. Regardless of how much a person can try to prevent themselves from choosing this path, but when your heart isn’t happy or satisfied, it always tries to find its satisfaction at any cost.
You can talk about all that is important or other crazy events that occurred during the day. You enjoy together and make some extraordinary memories discussing some cheerful parts of your life. This sort of communication assists you in making a much stronger connection with your soulmate since you share some happy and fun moments together.
Each marriage has its own ups and downs. So, it is essential to discuss and analyze the qualities and shortcomings of your relationship with one another. Such discussions assist the relationship in becoming strong. Furthermore, it helps with settling on any significant changes or choices throughout everyday life.
It is a proactive sort of discussion that isn’t affected due to some need or interest, dissimilar to the communication referenced above. These sorts of communications inspire having beautiful conversations that incorporate discussing your desires, dreams, fears, hopes, and so on. It includes significant discussions that can prompt strong connections. These are exceptionally intimate discussions as it gives you insights of the private life of your partner.
Phone calls, emails, or text messages are not the right choice for having deep conversions. In a marriage, even less complicated conversations should happen face-to-face. Face-to-face communication assists you and your partner in giving the required clarity. It will bring confidence back in your marriage. If you can’t manage to talk face to face, you should postpone the discussion for later.
Communication should not happen anytime without being planned. Effective communication should be well-planned when both of you are ready and free to discuss. In this way, you can ask your partners if they can save some time for the conversation. The suggested time to initiate a complicated conversation is before you go to sleep or after having your dinner. But avoid starting a discussion while in bed.
Sometimes people are confused about what causes a lack of effective communication in a marriage. Mostly, it’s just because you don’t know how to resolve or handle disagreements in a positive way. In the end, you begin to push each other away and make things worse and impossible to resolve even in the future.
It is the reason I generally highlight the significance of “don’t play the blame game” because it’s only going to make your partner tired. Focus on how you’re coming to your final conclusion. For instance, there is a huge gap between “your work is more important than spending time with me” and “I miss spending quality time with you”
One more thing to remember, when your partner is sharing some stuff that makes them feel emotional, you should prove that you’ve understood it properly by repeating it once again. Like “Alright, I see what you’re trying to say. I can improve my routine and spend some time with you after my work.”
If you really want things to work out, start doing efforts!
Try to focus on the present while discussing marriage issues with your partner. Referencing the previous events will negatively influence the present. Every one of you might have messed up many events. Thus, if you remind your partner, it will cause frustrations and create a communication gap. Just focus on the present issue and stick to it. Ensure it adds value to your relationship. As you start communicating, try to be polite and respectful.
You can observe many people initiate arguments to make their point rather than listening to their partners in a fight. If you like to fix communication problems in your marriage, you should figure out how to listen and understand. Your goal should be resolving the issue, not winning the argument.
Work on your listening abilities, try to figure out what your partner wants to say, and use it as a tool to assist you in analyzing the situation from their perspective. Put yourself in their shoes! If you find yourself wrong, accept your mistake immediately. Showing sensibility and humility will get you much further than pointing fingers at your partner to prove yourself right.
One great idea for settling down issues altogether is to start asking questions to your partner when you’re sure about their answers. It helps both of you to agree on some common perspectives. The more agreements or similarities you find, the simpler it will be to find solutions.
Non-verbal communication is as strong as verbal communication. It includes body language, revealing the situation of the person in an argument. It is essential to maintain eye contact with your partner while talking about anything. Direct eye contact implies that you are interested and participating in the discussion. In many cases, body language reveals our state of mind in any argument. The last thing you can do is to show your lack of engagement in the conversation. However, it is significant to find out positive non-verbal gestures to communicate effectively.
Most married couples respond too soon if their partners mess up. It is very casual for all human beings to react quickly to bad events, yet it should not be instant. Try as hard as you can to control yourself. Give yourself enough time to think about the issue that may result in a better situation or a good starting point. When you discuss immediately, your frustration will take charge of your speech, and it might become hate speech.
Communicating with your partner doesn’t mean sharing all the stuff on your mind like news, frustration, anger, and head out for your ways. Effective communication implies that being there for each other whenever your partner needs your support and emotionally comforts them. Many couples think that communication means say things whatever they want and then leave the room. Actually, when you open up to your partner, you likewise open the chances of receiving information. Generally, in life or marriage, we all really want to be needed by someone. And when your partner is there for you, no situations are bad enough, and no arguments are significant enough to split you apart from your partner.
So. regardless of how tired you are or how much work you need to do, ensure you take out some time in a day to have some significant discussion with your partner. In case that you find nothing to discuss, get silly or crazy, and share some generous laughter with one another. It is essential to speak your heart out consistently to keep the affection alive in your marriage.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
Arguments in any relationship are considered a negative thing. People see disagreements as a contemplative crack in a relationship. Even some people also state that the process of arguing with your partner provides awareness of different opinions and facilitates talk. So, arguments and conflicts are somehow essential that would be useful for healthy relationships. Specifically, if you are arguing with your partner for their own good. In this way, the topics which bring arguments will also tell you about the importance of your relationship. It gives you a chance to think about your core values and being vocal about how you are feeling about your relationship.
No one is perfect. We may realize that we are vulnerable, but you don’t have to make your partners feel like they are vulnerable too. We expect a lot from our partners, so we think they are perfect in many ways, and they know everything. But sometimes, we might think our partners behave typically, as they don’t get what we actually want to tell them. Passing judgments about what our partners know is an easy task but trying to understand their point is hard. Respecting their opinions and take time to understand them is very important for a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter what your assumptions are, but it is more important to think about what we both need together to keep your relationship or marriage alive.
Arguing with your partner is good and can be beneficial to your relationship. Some of the benefits are:
All couples argue. It is a natural phenomenon, but when you find yourself fighting more, then it’s time to wonder about “Are we completely lost it? or How many times we have to argue over the same topic?”
A clinical psychologist in New York City, Joseph Cilona, discusses that There is no accurate formula used frequently to navigate conflict in a relationship. Before thinking that your relationship is doomed due to continuous fighting over a week, you have to calm yourself down because it is common to disagree with your partner in a relationship. A Ph.D. and a clinical psychologist, Ramani Durvasula, says that occasional arguments with your partner are a good thing. She also says that When partners fight each other, it means they care about each other. When you don’t argue in a relationship, it means one of you has given up. It also states that you are not sharing your true feelings, and you don’t trust that your partner can understand your feelings. So, it is significant to fight fairly instead of wondering how much you guys fight with each other.
Here are some tips which help you to fight productively.
Take a pause. So, you can’t throw out something hurtful that you will regret later. Sometimes it is difficult to think before you speak in a heating argument when you are emotional. Staying quiet for some moment will allow you to clear your mind before you initiate the discussion again. A few seconds will give you enough time to think about how much you care about your partner? And how can you say these things to your partner that sound terrible? In this way, the situation will become calm, and kind and you will become more likely to hear what your partner is saying.
A psychotherapist in New York, Meg Batterson, describes that If you start with blame or accusation, then your partner will never hear what you wanted to say. Instead, they feel at fault, and you wouldn’t get through it. Using words like “I’m hurt” instead of “You hurt me” will change the argument in a productive dialogue, and the partner will go defensive. You are in a partnership, and you have to be strong enough to make your relationship stronger. So, share what you are feeling with your partner. It will provide you solutions to your problems, and you both get close to each other.
Unfortunately, people start character assassination of each other in their arguments which make things worse. They make their arguments, personal attacks like name-calling or how they look, etc. It is very unhealthy for your relationship. So, one should avoid it.
A relationship expert and psychologist, John Gottman, says that one of the main reasons for diversity is when your partner attacks your character rather than telling you the main reason that upsets them.
You are constantly fighting over the same issue, and you are upset that this will become problematic for your relationship. So instead of accusing your partner of some of their faults, tell them.
There is always more tendency to speak than to listen when we are fighting over something. We are eager to express our all feelings rather than listening to what our partners feel or think.
The person who has the issue should be the one who has to listen more. Batterson says that You should listen first and let your partner know that you are hearing him instead of defending yourself and your feelings. This technique is beneficial because it shows that you care about your relationship more than you care about your thoughts or perspectives. It will let your partner know that you are listening and you know from where they are coming. You will have a more productive dialogue about the issue and, then the conflict will get settled alternatively.
The reality is after some time, we’ll come to know that how exactly our partner will respond, as it is a scripted discussion. Batterson suggests that if you want to fight better, change the way to say things. Because you are fighting over the same issues, you are now the consequences also. So, change how you say stuff. The important thing is that you frame your arguments in a kind and respectful way so that you are also giving a chance to your partner to express their thoughts to you.
Some people keep their conflicts to themselves when they are angry with each other. Because they don’t like to argue and don’t want to harm their relationship at any cost. But It is saying that Avoiding the problems in a relationship is more harmful than it is helpful for your relationship.
People who are more likely to talk about their conflicts to their partners are happier in their relationships. People who stay silent and blame their partners for lack of communication are more unhappy in their relationships. The social scientist and the bestselling author, Joseph Grenny, conducted a study in which he says that people that don’t talk about their problems and try to avoid them, then as a result, it will get worse. The biggest mistake you make is to fool yourself and don’t think about the problems that will reduce the chance of an argument.
Don’t ever threaten about leaving your partner in your arguments. It will have a damaging influence on your relationship. It is easy to let your emotions out, but you should try not to threaten them by talking about divorce. Your words have a lasting impact on your partner and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship even after your flight is over with them.
According to experts, if fighting with your partner leads you towards physical or mental abuse, then it is a red flag for you, and you have to need psychological help. Couple arguing is healthy when there is no emotional or physical abuse present in their fight.
Durvasula says that Sometimes seeing with an open eye can help you observe that your communication is going towards the wrong side. And you will feel things have crossed the line, then talk to a therapist, couple counselor, or someone trustworthy as soon as possible. If you are arguing a lot, and it is now making you depressed, then you both need professional help. Also, when you both can’t get rid of it by yourselves. Cilona also says the same thing, if one of you in a relationship is upset, has a feeling of fear, or any other negative vibe related to your relationship, then it’s time to address it.
While we know that arguing in a relationship is healthy and beneficial, that doesn’t mean you will make it a routine task. It doesn’t mean you should pick a fight now and then because arguing is healthy. It is essential to know the type and level of arguments. Just because you like to win and make your partner lose in the discussion, your argument becomes a disaster for your relationship. You should always be constructive. Again, the problem isn’t in arguing but how you choose to put your points across. You don’t have to know the difference between toxic arguments and constructive arguments. Don’t get confused between the toxic fights with healthy arguments. You should know the proper way to argue with your partner, and your choice of words also makes a difference.
Arguments turn into toxic ones when it starts including, abuses, hurting each other, and calling each other disrespectfully. Big arguments are the signs of fading love and unsuccessful relationships. So, you can argue but in a good way.
Do not attack your partner while arguing. It is not a war. There is a difference between arguing for good reasons or bad ones. The conclusion of your arguments should be a win-win situation for both of you. You should try to make your tone soft and sweet while arguing with your partner. Talking loudly or screaming at the other person always make the situation difficult and worse. Your arguments should be an exchange of views do not an exchange of bad words. If it occurs by chance, then set your ego aside and apologize to your partner. Your purpose behind the arguments should be expressing your views, not taking revenge on your partners. Generally, we observe that women love to talk about any issue while men always seem interested in avoiding the discussion. In these cases, find some spare time. Don’t insist on discussing the issue at the same time when it occurs or when your partner is not comfortable discussing it. Stay on the same topic while arguing. It seems that some people dig out graves in the name of arguing. Using an old memory just in the name of a weapon or use it against your partner is the most irritating thing. You can avoid situations in which arguments turn into dirty ones. So, take a break for some time and relax and then talk about the issue again.
Accepting the perspectives of each other in a good way is very healthy for relationships. Arguing in the right spirit is good and constructive. Arguing with your partner is natural. It is justified as both the people in a relationship have some differences at some point. No argument is better than your relationship with your partner at the end of the day. It all matters how you deal with it.
As always be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
One of the things that I wish that I was more mindful of when I had my children was who their father was. I wish I wasn’t so blinded by the love I so desperately was searching for in him and actually saw who he was. I wish that I could change my circumstances and outcomes, but I cannot. And now I am raising two offsprings of a narcissistic sociopath.
I love my children to life. They mean everything to me and they are the reasons why I fight to ensure that they have a good life; a life better than what I had growing up. But man oh man, are they like their father at times. It is amazing to see just how much of myself and their father these children have inside of them, and how each of us come out. I do not take stock in astrilogical signs, but I swore that because my daughter’s birthday is the day before mine that she would be more like me and because my son is 2 weeks after his father he would be more like him. That is NOT what happened. My son is more like me and my daughter is more like her father.
One of the biggest debates that many people have is whether nature or nurture plays more of an impact on raising kids. Because I am raising these children, I can now firmly chime in that as much as I want to say that it’s how you nurture your child, nature plays a major role on who your children are shaped into becoming. I see so much of their father in my children that sometimes it scares me. At times, I question whether I am doing a a good enough job in raising my kids, teaching them good morals, and showing them how we should be towards each other and others. We have had so many clashes within the past year and it just baffles me how much of an impact nature really has on upbringing.
My kids are amazing little people. They are smart, funny, charasmatic, helpful, kid, and happy kids. You can tell that I have had a huge hand in helping them to be good little people. But I see the rough edges, the lack of accountability, the blaming others for their mistakes. I know- they are just kids. But this isn’t “just kids”….
Raising kids is hard. Raising kids with a narcassist is even harder. Raising kids with narcassistic tendencies is sometimes impossible. Yet here I am, tackling the impossible.
Are you struggling with your kids? Are you having trouble getting through to them and dealing with their difficult behaviors? Schedule a call with me.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
If we listen to the rap music that’s playing or talk to women who have dated (and been heartbroken by black men), it may seem as if black men do not love black women. The societal message that “black culture” portrays is that our men do like us. Our men even hate us. But my experience with the men that I’ve encountered tells me that this narrative just isn’t true.
In a recent article that I read on xonecole, the writer asked 20 men about things that they wanted women to know. I found it extremely interesting that one of those things were that they loved black women (no matter their skin color and hair texture) as long as they possessed qualities that attracted them. One man even went as far as to say that he ONLY wanted to date black women. Another man made a point to note that men didn’t care whether women made more money than them, they only cared about the ATTITUDE these women had as a result of making more money. These men were saying things that I have learned to be true across the board.
Let me make a few points clear before I continue with this article. Point 1- a man who’s had his heart broken will most likely be standoffish to relationships and love. Not because he doesn’t want a relationship and love, but because he has had a negative experience with it in the past and he is afraid that it will happen to him again. Point 2- A man has to be ready for a relationship for him to entertain the idea of one. We, as women, expect a man to be on the same page as us WITHOUT HAVING SAID CONVERSATION, then get mad when that man isn’t in a “relationship space” like we are. Point 3- women need to stop makng assumptions about what men want; we also need to stop expecting men to know what we want without us telling them. This is insanity. I’m just saying.
I grew up around a LOT of boys who turned into men. One thing that I have always seen growing up is that boys/men will take sex from anyone who is offering it, but they crave relationships and intimacy. I have had many conversations with men who craved relationships (friendships), equality, and genuine affection from their partner. We were raised to believe one of two things: either the man is the breadwinner and provider for the household, or that the woman is to be independent and take care of herself. There was never an in-between where men are the breadwinners but the women contribute to make the household flow effectively. Men crave that in-between. Every man that I know is a breadwinner but they don’t want to feel like someone only wants them for their money. They LOVE black women- it’s actually amazing to hear them describe women and their attributes (which are not sexual might I add). I spoke to a man who has been married for the last 15 years, and he said to me “I love my wife. My favorite thing about her is the fact that she is my friend and my lawyer. She will tell it to me straight, then handle whatever mess I got myself into. I wouldn’t be where I am without her”.
We women have placed these extremely high (and sometimes unattainable) expectations on what we believe men want from us. We think that we need to be perfect, with a big booty, our hair must always be in place, and our face must be beat to the high heavens. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Almost every man that I asked said that they prefer a natural face, they couldn’t care about our hair as long as it looks nice, and that booty or no booty doesn’t matter- as long as WE are attractive and have a great personality they will be head over heels for us. And skin color is irrelevant to most men! Sure, some have their preference, but overall men do not care. We do. I remember having a conversation with a friend and he said “your girlfriend is super pretty-do you think she would talk to me?” I replied “I thought you only like light skinned girls?” He said “I’m attracted to personality. The skin tone might catch my attention but if the personality is great I’m hooked”. We create expectations about what men like! What they actually like is completely opposite from what we trained ourselves to believe.
The biggest issue that I’ve heard women have with black men is that they “don’t like our attitude” and would rather deal with a WHITE WOMEN because they are easier to handle. WHEW!! I couldn’t believe how many times I had heard this. Let’s look at a few truths. 1- men either date/marry someone who is like their mother or the opposite of their mother. Most men in my age bracket (30-40ish) grew up with strong mother’s who took care of the household, may have been a single working mother taking care of multiple children, and/or raised by strong grandparents. These men are attracted to strong women who are able to be indepedant and take care of home with/without a man in it. For the men who grew up with mother’s who were abused, addicted to drugs, or absent, they are still looking for strong women because this is the OPPOSITE of what they grew up with. 2- I’ve noticed that a majority of women in that same age bracket are stressed, tired, single mothers who need help (even if they won’t ask for any). They’ve also dealt with more than 1 man who promised them the world but only gave them McDonald’s and have now built up a disdain for men in general. This makes for a bad precursor when they do meet a man who is interested in a stable relationship. 3- many of us have been through some form of disappointment, let down, heartbreak, and/or trauma in our early years that we were taught to PUSH DOWN and GET OVER. After having to do this over and over as we were growing up, we’ve built this shell/wall around us that comes off as angry, “bitter”, reclusive, or unapproachable. All of these issues combined together have allowed for the opportunities to be presented that allowed for the belief that “black men don’t like black women because they are always angry”. When in reality, by the time we meet one another each of us are dealing with trauma that we project onto each other. Projected trauma only leads to people hurting each other, which in turn add onto the trauma. It’s a vicious cyle.
I am in my early 30’s. I have encountered many men, both within my familial dynmanic (including close friends) and people that I have met through work, business dealings, networking, etc. I have seldom encountered a black man who didn’t love black women. And I mean they LOVED black women. From the resiliency, to the independance, to the nurturing and mothering ability, to the physical attraction- they loved black women. A family member of mine made it a point to tell me that he loved women so much that he couldn’t just settle for one- he needed to have multiple women in his life because they all served a purpose for him- spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Because I am now a trauma-informed life and relationship coach, I see things differently. I realize that I am blessed to have experienced men who loved women, respected women, and protected women around me my entire upbringing. I know that many people have not experienced that and it plays a major part on the role they see themselves and other women play in relation to men. It’s easy to believe that men do not love and respect us if they haven’t seen and experienced it. Actually, we have seen it, in the form on celebrity’s. Russell Wilson & Cierra, Remy Ma & Papoose, and any other successful celebrity that you can think of (sorry- I’m not big on celebrity’s). We think it’s unattainable for us but it’s not.
If you only take away 1 thing from this article, let it be this: you attract what you are ready for. Whatever space you are in mentally and emotionally is the same space that you will attract to you. If you are dealing with personal issues, holding on to things that happened in the past, or are unwilling to let go of someone emtionally, you will attract people who are in those same spaces, which makes for a troublesome encounter. If you want to meet someone who is going to love YOU, then you must first love yourself. If you want to meet someone who will take care of and protect you, you must first learn to take care of and protect yourself. You can only ask for a partner that will match you and your energy levels. Happiness can only attract happiness. Ever heard of the saying “misery loves company” or “hurt people hurt people”? It’s true. If you want to change the type of people that you attract and change the types of relationships that you are encountering, then you must first do the work within yourself. I can help.
Black men love black women. Do black women love black men, and do black women love themselves? I love black men. And from my expierences, black men love the hell out of us back. I hope that anyone reading this can understand just how true my statement is.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
If you would like to learn more about what I do, check out my website; if you would ike to book a call with me, use this link. If you want to shoot me a message saying hello on Instagram, I would love to hear from you!
When we think about marriage, most people think about the wedding day. The dress, the tux, the food, the party, the vows- the glitz and the glamour. You don’t hear people talk about the days that follow the wedding day. Getting married is such a huge deal, but being married is this far-out concept; what exactly does that look like? I decided to do a 5 truths & a lie about marriage- from MY perspective.
Truth #1: You’ll go through waves of being in love with your partner and falling out of love with them.
We tend to confuse being IN LOVE with someone and having love for someone. Loving someone is a daily, conscious choice. You are choosing to overlook bad habits, choosing to not pick certain arguments, choosing to still cook for them even after they’ve gotten on your last nerves. But being in love with someone is the cumulation of a bunch of positive actions that this person has done for you which causes you to crave them. You can love someone and not want to be around them every day or have a sexual attraction for them. Being in love with someone makes you want to be with them all the time, they are sexually and physcially attractive to you, their presence brings you peace. It’s normal for you to fall in and out of love with your partner, because we are not perfect. They (or we) will do things that are annoying, there will be fights/arguments, schedules and work and kids and life gets in the way. It happens. We just need to be mindful when we realize that it is happening and make a conscious effort to do the things that are needed to fall back in love again. Whether that be more date nights, more time spent relaxing together, more time talking insteading of arguing- whatever you need at your current stage of life to ensure that you’re falling in love over and over again, make sure you communicate that to your partner.
Truth #2: You are going to want to leave your partner, at least once.
During the course of a HOPEFULLY long and fruitful marriage, things are going to happen that will cause you to get to a point in which you’ll feel like you want to leave the relationship. The fights may grow in intensity, you may wonder “what if” you chose a different path, work and home life can become overwhelming- you may get to a point where you just want to quit. If you’ve had feelings like this BEFORE you were married, chances are these feellings will arise during your marriage also. And it is completely normal. Things get tough in life, and there is no difference for marriage. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wanted to (or actually did) break up with my partner. But when the dust settled and I came to my senses, home was where I wanted to be, and that included being with my partner. Tough times don’t last, especially if you seek counseling, therapy, or coaching to help you get through them.
Turth #3: Sex and intimacy decreases if you don’t make them a priority.
When two people get comfortable with each other, they tend to let things slip. It may not happen overnight, but gradually over time. Until one day you wake up and realize that you’ve been super cranky for the last week and it’s been 4 months since you’ve had sex with your partner. Life happens, especially if you have kids and a super busy schedule. It can easily be overlooked and put off to the side when you’re always tired after a long day of work. But since we are talking about this now, let’s not let it get to that point. be intentional about keeping up the intimacy and sex in your household. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be on the same day every week), plan sex nights, steal intimate moments throughout the day. Send sexy pictures and text messages, and kiss often- especially when you’re mad at one another. The easiest way to get over an argument is to talk it out, come up with a solution, then have sex afterwards. I know, I know- females are extremely emotional beings and tend to dry up when they are angry with their partners. But what I’ve learned over the years is that’s when the intimacy is needed the most. The more disconnected you feel with your partner, the more you need to invite intimacy into the equation. Inviting intimacy in keeps tensions low, allows you to have a clearer head, and is an easy way to ask for or give forgiveness (especially if that’s hard for one of you to say). Now, I’m not telling you to fuck all of your problems away, but I am telling you to not take sex off of the table when you are having problems. Allow the sex and intimacy to help you resolve the problems.
Truth #4: You will hurt each other.
Remember earlier when I said that we weren’t perfect? It is human nature to try to hurt someone who’s hurt you first. Especially if they hurt you deeply. We can’t help it. That doesn’t change just because you are married and committed. If anything, it gives you better leverage to hurt that person even more because you’ve learned all you can about them and now you have ammunition. It will happen. There are some hurts that are inflicted unintentionally- those hurts are workable and you can come back from. Tensions were running high, there was a lot of stress for some task or another to get done, or things were just not going well for a really long time. We get it- your back was against the wall and you lashed out and you hurt them. Unfortunately, this is life and it happens. It’t not the end of the world, or your marriage, but it will take time to mend the wound and rebuild that trust. If you have a good partner (or even a great one), the effort to fix and repair it is worth it. There are other hurts however that are done with the intent to break you down and cause emotional and psychological pain. Those hurts don’t get better, they only get worse. And you should leave. Quickly.
Truth #5: Parenting will put a strain on your relationship, especially if you are step-parenting.
Parenting is not easy. Single parenting is downright difficult. But co- & step-parenting can leave you wondering if a marriage is really worth it. There are a lot of different factors that go into parenting- how you were raised vs how the other parent was raised, what discipline looks like to each of you, what rewards and gifts look like to each of you. Trying to find an alignment within the household where two people come to an agreement on how to raise little people can be difficult. Especially because kids are extremely smart little manipulators that know how to play one parent against the other. But add a 3rd parent into the equation and sometimes this is a recipe for disaster. Creating a routine for two people can be tricky but it’s definitely manageable. Once you start having children, this tricky schedule turns into calendars and reminders and sticky notes of a life. We aren’t taking into account the new personalities that you now have to juggle because they are constatly growing and evolving. My kids literally turn into a new person every 6 months- it’s hard to keep up with and they belong to me. Add my partner in and now I potentially have a house filled with landmines that we are all actively trying to avoid. How do we handle this?
I have a few different ideas for solutions that have worked with my clients in the past; if something seems like a good fit for you, by all means- have at it!
Lie: Being married is completely different from being in a committed relationship.
I’ve heard from so many people who said that marriage is totally different from a relationship, and I asked them to explain to me how it was so. My answers? Marriage is a “committment before God”, or “marriage is a binding agreement”, or -my favorite- “marriage you can’t walk away from”. The absolute truth is that there is no difference. If you are in a committed relationship with someone- a relationship where you are living together, raising a family together, making sacrafices for your partner’s peace and happiness- you have a marriage. Sure, there aren’t any papers or rings, but what do those things actually do that makes the word MARRIAGE any more significant than a committed relationship? I can only speak for myself, but the committment I have to my partner ensures that I am not walking away from him. Ring or no ring, paper or no paper, we are in this for life. Isn’t that what a “marriage” is supposed to be anyway? An agreement between two people (and maybe some witnesses) that no matter what, they will do what it takes to ensure that the household and each other are good until death does them part? But, I will take the perks of having the title, and the name, and the health insurance. A ring doens’t hurt either. *wink, wink*
The greatest takeaway that I want people to walk away with is this: marriage isn’t one-size-fits-all. You have to tailor your marriage to you and your partner, and ensure that what you guys are doing works for YOU. We have all been embedded with what our parents think a marriage shoud look like, and those ideologies may not work for you today. Create your won pattern, your own routine, your own peace and happiness. Make it work for you, and make your marriage last as long as you want it to last. Hopefully, that’s forever.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraodinary QUEENS!
Growing up, I was surrounded by little girls who couldn’t wait to grow up and get married. But their scrapbooks weren’t filled with pictures of a family life and kids; their books were filled with pictures of brides in beautiful gown, men in tuxedos, and crowds of people gathering around to show love and take lots of pictures. It was always the princess and the knight in shining armor. But the story always stopped there…..
I was never a fan of princesses. My brain and curiosity always wanted to know what happened after the big wedding. I was surrounded by marriages that had children out of wedlock, unhappy spouses, and couples who didn’t spend any time with each other. My grandparents (whom I still look up to) didn’t do anything to add to my investigation. My grandmother only had 7 children but my grandfather had 12. It came as no surprise that I never wanted to get married.
Fast forward 20-something years and I’m now in my mid twenties and dating a man who sold me a dream. After watching The Huckstables, The Winslow’s, and The Banks’, I wanted what they had. They showed life AFTER the wedding. That was valuable to me, that was what I was hoping was real. That was why I believed all the lies. Once I realized that I wasn’t going to get my happy ending from him, I had a choice to make. Either give up on something that I knew was attainable or believe that what my family portrayed as “family life” would be my reality. Those who know me know that I don’t settle, so I held on to the notion that I would one day be able to have a family that looked like those on tv. Not because I wanted what they had, but because I wanted happiness.
As I aged into my adult years, I started to see something, started to notice a pattern. Almost all of my peers (people I grew up with or knew through a friend of a friend) were getting married and STAYING married. They had what looked like happy homes. I knew it! I knew it was possible and I now had more hope through their marriages. Ok, cool. Now I just have to find my imperfect perfection. Well, let’s see how this goes… lol!
They say that love always comes when you least expect it. According to my ex, no one was ever going to want me with 2 kids; no one would ever love me like he did. Man oh man- I prayed that wasn’t true because if what he was giving was love then I didn’t want any parts of it! But God knows exactly what you need and exactly when to give it to you.
I don’t have perfection, there’s no such thing. But what I do have is everything that I expected, and then some. I have a love that is unconditional, showing rather then telling. Doing rather then feeling. Growing rather than staying stagnant. Since I never believed in princess stories, I guess what I have is part 1 in a movie. And every day that it continues, we just keep adding on to the greatest movie ever created. And hopefully, our kids will grow up to create the sequels.
Moral of the story- never give up on love, and create your own fairytales.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
For everyone who has been following me and this blog since 2016, thank you! Thank you for the feedback, the comments, the reviews, and letting me know that my stories and advice have been able to help you someway, somehow.
I didn’t realize just how many people have been in the same or similar situations that I have had to overcome. It also dawned on me that many people may not have been able to work through their trauma and/or abuse the way that I have been able to. This made me determined to find a way to help others, a way to allow people to identify their hurt so that they could then let it go. The most effective way, for me, was to become a coach. And that’s exactly what I did. I researched and enrolled in a bunch of different programs and received a lot of certifications, but I am proud to say that today I am a certified Trauma-Informed Life Coach, Relationship Coach, and Parenting Facilitator. I am also a certified Domestic Violence Specialist.
As a coach, I will now offer coaching services in the form of one-on-one sessions and group coaching sessions. My goal is to provide affordable coaching to mothers transitioning out of an abusive relationship, parents who are having a hard time connecting with their child(ren) for reasons like (but not limited to) defiance, acting out, difficulty communicating, transition issues, and becoming a new parent. I work with singles who are ready to get back into the dating feild, and couples who are having difficulties in their relationship/marriage. I offer life coaching to people who feel like they are at an impass and can’t figure out what to do next, where they’re supposed to go.
As a coach, I want to help people realize their ability to make a difference in their situations, their lives, their outcomes. I aim to enrich people with the tools they need to see the change that they desire. Because although I am here to coach you, YOU are the expert in your life. I’m just here to guide you to find the right methods, tools, and healing for you.
I am excited to share this with you. I have been coaching in my new niche since January of this year and my clients have had amazing success thus far. I asked them to provide me with feedback to see how the program was going for them and I was blown away by their responses! Read some here:
“My coaching experience has been life changing, I feel extremely understood and reassured. For the first time since becoming a mother I have hope that I can successfully raise my child even if co parenting with her father is not possible.” -Parenting Coaching Client
“Kishna j has been my business coach since 2017 I took a break for about 3 yrs from working on the business because life happens! When I came back to kishna she welcomed me with open arms . She is very knowledgeable,honest, and patient. I love that she listens like really listens !!! The way she puts your dreams into a solid business structure is amazing!!! I will always recommend her services to everyone I know!” -Business & Life Coaching Client
“She is sweet, understanding and a great motivator.” -Trauma-Informed & Parenting Coaching Client
I am currently taking on new clients, so if you would like to schedule a call with me to see if it would be a good fit, please use this link!
I am super excited guys! And I am glad that I was able to find something that fit my experiences, my stregnths, and my business mind so perfectly.
Oh, I had to put the blogging and podcasting on the backburner for a while because of covid and all of the classes that I was taking, but we are back now! More blogs and more podcats are on the way. And have you been checking out the IG live shows every Monday? Go check out the old shows and tune in today at 6:30p EST. Today’s topic is traveling with kids because we all know how hectic that can be! Lol.
As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!
My name is Kishna. I’m a mother of 2 beautiful little toddlers, I work full time, I have a full time small business, and now I’m a blogger. My life is absolutely amazing, absolutely crazy, absolutely hectic, and absolutely all mines.
Have you ever thought of what your life would be like AFTER you decided to have children? I’m pretty sure you had everything figured out. You would have the kid (check), stay home for the full 6 weeks + to care for your child (check), you would have a spouse to help you with your child, work, and home life (check), you would work shorter hours so that you could spend more time with your child (check), you would have an awesome work/life balance (check). Now let’s look at reality. If you’re anything like me, you started back working right after you got cleared from the doctor, your spouse and you didn’t really work out according to plan, and you feel guilty because there is no way in the world your kids still remember who you are! Obviously, this isn’t the way I thought that things would go.
Okay, so I am exaggerating a bit. I have found a way to balance out my work and home life pretty decently, but it took a whole heck of a lot of practice and discipline. And a lot of guilt (on my part). Why do we always feel guilty that we aren’t spending enough time with our kids? Or that our kids are somehow being neglected if we pick them up late, work while we’re home, or we put them to bed early? This was definitely not in the plan when I decided to have children. But, who’s plans go according to schedule anyways?
This is my blog- about my life, after I had my kids. Join me for a crazy, fun, dramatic, whirlwind adventure as I laugh and cry about my crazy parenting/single/working life experiences.
Welcome, and enjoy!